Eyeshield 21 is a manga/anime that has comedy, football action, awesome characters, and (dare I say it?) no effeminate, perfect male models who remarkably can kick ass despite their spindly frames. In other words, no fangirl icons, baby! This wasn't even on my list of fictional universes that get invaded by Mary Sue self-inserts on a daily basis.
But you know what, the Internet just loves proving me wrong. I ask for the standard Eyeshield 21 fanfic and what did the Internet give me? Kyo, a quiet and tough girl being transferred to Deimon and becoming the head cheerleader of the Devilbats. But on their way to the Christmas Bowl, she falls in love with a certain devil. She finds it hard to keep up with him. Will she be loved? HirumaxOC. OC. Original character. Fuck you, Internet.
Written by Hiruma'sgirl101, Why is it So Hard to Love You? is a (very obvious) classic example of the Self-Insert Mary Sue fanfic. I mean, it contains so many aspects of the self-insert that it's almost a parody, or (for my purpose) an instruction manual on how to spot a self-insert. No wait, who am I kidding? We don't even need a manual 'coz it's too obvious.
Let's see what the summary has: description of a character who is not established in the series, is a transfer student, takes the position of a canon character, and falls in love with a canon character. Jeez, that's four symptoms already. In the summary. That doesn't bode well for my patience and sanity.
Quoted too frequently but not in its entirety, here's Why is it So Hard to Love You?
You know it's a Sue when the story's first four fucking paragraphs (FOUR!) describe the character in detail.(1) I'm serious, 'Kyo' is described in every detail including her bra size.
Okay, maybe not her bra size, but you get the point. No wait, read that shit for yourself.
Kyo, an average girl who is going to Deimon High soon, was at her home trying to figure something out. Kyo was actually being transferred to Deimon because of her behavior and attitude. According to the Deimon rules, transfer students must wear their previously school uniforms to school instead of the regular uniform. So meaning that instead of wearing the green uniform Deimon provides, Kyo is going to wear her school uniform from the school she went to before she got kicked out.
Official Deimon student: Haha! Look, it's that kicked out transfer student! You can tell from her against-the-standard uniform. Bitch doesn't even look like she studies here. Thinks she's special does she? Man, I wanna slap a bitch.
Now here's a thing about Kyo, she is a 2nd year student meaning that she is 17, she is very short tempered, and picks fights a lot. Kyo has chocolate brown eyes, black hair that reaches to her butt, lightly tanned skin, and has a nice figure to the guys. She also has four ear pierings, 2 on each ear. She hates perverts, jerks, show offs, and bitchy people.
What is this, a character profile? I thought this was a story! Goddammit-!
Most of the time, Kyo is training, reading, playing her guitar, singing secretly, dancing, playing DDR, doing gymnastics, and other things.
She can also fire dance, sky dive, drive motorcycles, and incapacitate a grown man using only a pencil. (2)
People say that she doesn't look smart but she very is smart. Just doesn't look like it. For school, Kyo wears her previous school uniform which is a white button up T-shirt/blouse, a black school mini skirt, white thigh high socks, and black high type of school shoes. When excising, she wears a black spaghetti tank top, black waterproof pants with 2 white strips going down the legs, white running shoes, and her hair is tied in a high ponytail. But when she’s not doing anything, she wears a black or white tube top, black slacks or pants or short shorts, wears black boots or high elevated platforms,--
She wears a stage?
--open toed heeled platforms or running shoes.
Kyo is independent but has a few friends. But rarely hangs out with them. Her parents are mostly gone so Kyo just watches herself.
So, uh, how does she pay for school?
But anyways, enough about Kyo right now, back to the story.
Kyo was just getting her school bag ready and setting things up. Her school bag wasn't like Deimon's tote bag types. It was like a regular hand bag but bigger and it has Kuromi (Sanrio cartoon) on it. Her room was neat unlike her parents. But her room was sorta small too. A regular queen sized bed, a nice organized desk, a walk in closet (one of the things in her room that was huge), a huge bathroom (another thing in her room that was huge), her guitar, a bookshelf, and some other junk.
The room's small but it has huge spaces. Cool. Wait, what?
And if this is a dorm room, I'm not buying it. Walk in closets, queen sized beds, and huge bathrooms? Yeah, right. If it's an apartment, I'm even more curious who pays for this kid's needs.
Kyo sighed as she was done packing up and set is on the chair next to her desk.
Without my interruptions, that's the story opening. See what I mean?
Oh, and the rest of the story isn't any better.
In 10 minutes, Kyo was done and went out to walk to Deimon High School. She sighed when she saw some other Deimon students. But they were official students, not transfer ones like Kyo.
So transfer students are made to dress differently (what are uniforms for if not to make everyone look part of the institution?), aren't given tote bags, and aren't officially enrolled. WHAT?
When she arrived to the classroom, the teacher started to talk.
"Class, this is Takahira Kyo. She transferred from a far off high school so please be friends with her. And Miss Takahira, why don't you tell us about yourself." the teacher explained and looked over to Kyo.
"My name is Takahira Kyo and there is nothing important that you need to know about me." Kyo said all monotone and not caring at all.
Teacher: This is our new transfer student from a far, far away land you obviously don't need to know about. Don't ever lend her a proper uniform or shit like that. Also, she's not an official student and is obviously different so treat her special. Special, you understand?
Kyo: Hi, I'm a bitch.
"Well I'm Anezeki Mamori and if you need anything, feel free to ask." Mamori greeted and told Kyo while Kyo just nodded. But what Kyo didn't know was that a certain devil was watching her. And that devil was obviously Hiruma Yoichi.
Obviously. *rolls eyes* (3) Somehow I doubt the devil quarterback is hatching something here. At least, not anything like his usual diabolical shemes. That's a bad sign...
During lunch, Mamori grabbed Kyo and went over to the football team. The Deimon Devilbats. Kyo didn't even care or respond and just let Mamori drag her over to the team.
What for? Why, so Kyo can be with her one twu wuv, the Deimon Devilbats quarterback, of course! It doesn't matter that Mamori usually doesn't just drag random people to practice, or that Kyo has nothing to do with the team whatsoever!
Hiruma just popped a bubble from his gum and looked over at Kyo. Kyo didn't even look and just sighed.
You just KNOW she'll be singing a different tune later.
"So you're the damn transfer student eh? Transferred only because of fights and other types of shit." Hiruma stated and Mamori gasped at her.
"WH-What?! Kyo-chan is this true?!" Mamori sounded shocked and the answer they got from Kyo was a simple nod.
"Kekeke...you got guts damn girl." Hiruma stated and Kyo just rolled her eyes. "Heard that you are also good with gymnastics so from now on, you're the head cheerleader in our football team!" Hiruma declared.
Hiruma: I'm usually too practical to think of recruiting girls that don't directly help the team like the fucking manager does, but what the heck, let's have a damn cheerleader!
Suzuna: Hey, I'M the self-proclaimed head cheerleader! When did everyone forget about me?
Looks like to Kyo, she just got herself into another mess but this time, she can't get out of it. Now she's a cheerleader? Hopefully the cheerleading outfits aren't as lame as her previous school's. That would be terrible if she had to wear a skirt. Now Kyo has to meet up with the Devilbats after school to see how well this goes.
After the first few paragraphs, I already lost hope that this will go well. Yet somehow, I'm disappointed the writer didn’t write past chapter one. I was hoping for at least a couple more chapters before I have to chug a couple of pints of beer. And I'd love an excuse to drink right about now...
Eherm. Numbered lines. Right.
(1) Describing a self-insert (in detail) in the first few paragraphs is common. It's a big no-no. A story's beginning is important in capturing the attention of the readers, and dumping that much information on a character like a profile is not the way to do it. A character should be introduced through his/her actions and speech, not through a goddamn exposition bomb in the beginning (or in the middle, or anywhere for that matter).
(2) Be careful about giving your characters too many skills. Being skillful is okay, but first ask yourself the following questions: Does it even make sense to know all those things? How the hell did she come to learn so much?
(3) Because she's so special, everyone just notices her immediately. I hate it when that happens.
So that's about it, unfortunately, unless Hiruma'sgirl decides to write more...
Oh shit, I'm not supposed to encourage this! Hmm...okay. Mary Sue self-inserts are bad. We all made them when we were kids, but continuing to write them is pathetic. No decent writer would want to stay at such an infantile writing stage.
Now excuse me while I get a drink.